Location Lynchburg, VA
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Poems and Writings.
you are forsaken
you are nothing
a mere body
in the dark
one could mistake you
for being beautiful
but in the day
you're a ghost
seen by no one
passed by all
in the dark
your beauty blooms
you turn from a weed
to a rose
but in the day
you are forbidden
a rose with no thorns
petals that fall to the ground
come to me
show me true beauty
no one sees
show me the way
you hold the key
to the night
that opens a door
no one has been through before
show me pain that makes you smile
beauty that makes you cringe
and fright that makes you laugh
show me a world
that is forbidden to all
a rose with no throns
but growing inside
Sunday. 7.18.04 2:12 pm
Mike and I had a long talk tonight cause Hayden said something that upset me. He was joking about sex, and I do that all the time, but he was joking about it in a way I never would and he didn't know it would upset me or he never would have stated the fact. But Mike and I began talking about this and I was like "I don't want us to have sex and our relationship become based on that." And he agreed. I was like "If I do that, it's special and it's not just sex with you. It's more so much more. It's the way I feel for you, it's the way I want you to be a part of be. A bond." And he agreed. We had a nice long chat about it that really made me happy. I knew when he was saying this that he's so right for me. We have so much in common and we want the same things. It just makes me smile. He's so amazing. As a matter of fact, as he sleeps I'll write him a letter. So good night/day all. I must go write to my beloved.
Sunday. 7.18.04 2:11 pm
When Jessica and I first met we clicked so much. We were so different. She went to church, came from a bit of money, never had done anything, never had a boyfriend, only wore jeans and baggy tee shirts. Me on the other hand came from no money, had no religion, always had a guy around, wore "punk" clothing, band shirts, bondage pants, mini skirts, all this. Listened to all types of punk, heavy metal, ska, rock, everything her mom disapproved of.
We became good friends in 8th grade and best friends in 9th grade. In high school we were inseperable. We loved each other and were best friends. We hung out all the time and things were so cool. Then our junior year I noticed some change in Jessica. I had noticed her slowly changing, but now it was full force.
She had began to dye her hair all the time [just like me esp. the same shade of blue i always dyed mine], she began to only shop at hot topic [where i got most of my clothes from], she'd find a cool underground band I'd really like then totally tell everyone about them and act like she herself had just discovered the best band out there, she always tried to flirt with my guy friends, she was always there, not like normal best friends ut ALWAYS, like at the house she would follow me even if i took one step. It was now getting annoying that she wanted to be just like me. I mean she of course had traits I disliked, but all friends dislike something about each other. At school she even began signing up for the same classes I did, tried to steal my friends as in she'd try and make friends with them then pull this "You're my real best friend" thing. It was getting annoying so I confronted her about it and all she did was cry.
So I had a talk with her mom b/c we often felt Jessica was overly clingy and it usually hurt her pretty badly. Like when her bf of two years dumped her and when her crush got a girlfriend and so forth and that helped a bit cause she made Jessica start shopping at other stores so she couldn't buy the exact same clothes as me.
So then Jessica comes to school one day with my hairstyle. I have always wore my hair in pigtails for as long as I can remember and suddenly that's all she did. Then suddenly she started mismatching her shoe laces like I did. Started covering her notebooks in band CD covers like I did, started putting X's over her I's instead of dots, like I did. She started wearing black nail polish and black eyeliner like I did, but it looked so bad cause she can't do makeup. It was so out of control so I yelled at her, just broke lose, told her to be her own person or I wasn't going to be her friend cause I liked being me cause there was no one else like me, but with her around it was like I had a little clone at all times.
Well, by our senior year it had cleared up and things were good. Now, a mere year later its back, only she now has this whole "I'm so much better that you" act going on, and I am not in anyway trying to be mean, rude, stuck up, selfish, or full of myself. But she is a bit chunky I mean I weight 155 and that's a size 10, but she's a size 16 at like 180 and she's shorter than me and she has an attractive face and body to, but she wears clothes I couldn't fit into and it makes her so ... unattractive. But she gives me this vide like "Everyone thinks I'm so much hotter than you" and then complains that she can't get a b.f
She was bad when I left, but when she came to visit me it was like permanent PMS. She was a bitch. Like Mike was here the second day she was here and the last day she was here out of the whole week she was here. the rest of the time he was out of town for work. But she was a bitch when he was here. She kept going "don't you have somewhere to be?" "What time are you leaving?" And I'm like "He's spending the night so he can take us to the station to drop you off in the morning" and she was like "Can he do that?" As if I'd let him stay without asking my rents. No mom and dad don't know I'm going to hide him!?! Then she was all like "You two are sooo perfect for one another I so approve" then she'd turn around and be like "you're only 18 to get attached or act like he's the only one. it'll never last." Then she'd come right back around and be like "You two are meant to be together forever. Perfect!"
Then she deleted this letter I had been typing to him forever. Since the day we met and it pissed me off. Cause it was just in the trash can on my computer it was gone as in it was no accident.
I dunno. I'm kinda glad now that I moved and I get a fresh start cause things there weren't good with many ppl.. Bill and I were fighting and hating one another Andy and I were causing drama between not only ourselves but Bill and us. *sighs* Thank God I have Mike here to help me out now.
Down in the dungeon
Sunday. 7.18.04 2:07 pm
Mike came and woke me up around 9:30 am (?) Saturday morning. We laid in my bed and watched Saturday morning cartoons and then started watching 'what lies beneath'. About an hour into that movie we decided to go by Mike's moms house to say hello. So I got dressed and we headed over there.
I met his mom for the first time and she is very nice. Mike acts like she isn't his favorite person, but hell he thinks my mom is nice and I know she can be the worlds greatest bitch at times. So I guess I know where he's coming from. We hung out there until Hayden called and Mike was like "How about I grab a pizza and Brandie & I come over?" So we headed to Hayden's at around 1:30 or 2. We grabbed a pizza and some breadsticks and went to Haydens.
Hayden is a really cool guy actually and I'm glad Mike has a friend like him around. Hayden and Mike are kinda like Jessica and I on our good days. I kinda realized after seeing them two and Jessica leaving that Jessica and I have changed a lot. But that's another entry on its own.
Anyway. Hayden and Mike tried to make me play this karaoke game and I didn't wanna cause I don't like singing in front of ppl after Andy said I had a bad voice, but it was Avril Lavigne so I knew the words and they kinda forced me haha so I sung for a little bit and then Jodi showed up.
Now I had never met her, only heard [very bad] things about her. Like that she was evil and mean and just a stuck up bratty bitch. Jodi is Haydens "girlfriend". Well, she shows up and I was like "damn" she is sooooooooo skinny. Within the first ten minuets she smacked Hayden and was like "Take me to the mall!!" I was just like damn dude ... what the hell.
Then she made this comment about how her dad was going to pay her $1,000 credit card bill and she could still spend on it, but after the first $1,000 she had to pay it.
Hayden kept making fun of her cause she was in these A&F pink booty shorts and it's pouring down rain and a bit chilly out and she's all like "I'm sooooo cold! Lets go to the mall so I can put pants" and Hayden was like "just go put mine on." I just don't get along with girls like that so I tried to smile and pretend to listen to her, but her voice alone is so annoying. So I really didn't talk to her.
Well, Mike, Hayden, and I all went on the porch so Hayden could have a smoke and she comes out and is like "When are we going to eat I'm hungry?" And he was like "I ate pizza so I'm not hungry, but I'll take you to get something in a few minuets." And she fucking exploded. She was like "WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ATE WITHOUT ME! YOU ASS!" And Mike & I had brought the pizza over not knowing hayden said he's go eat with her. So she locks herself in Hayden's room.
Well, Hayden and Mike get this idea of "lets go into the dungeon." And I'm so confused, but like "okay!" So Hayden hands me a flashlight and is all like "You're the torch barrier." So I'm like OK and he's like you're the lady of light or goddess of light or something I can't remember cause I'm laughing so hard. Hayden is carrying this big stick and wearing this straw cowboy/jungle hat and mike is prancing around with this cheep sword and we're walking through the rain to the basement.
Well, they were fighting off spiders and it was just so funny so we get into the base -- dungeon and it was just really funny. We were just being stupid and I was like "Hey I'm all for this!" And Jodi is walking behind us like "It's an empty basement and I'm hungry. this si so stupid, you guys are stupid." So I'm all carrying the flashli-- toruch and Hayden and Mike would be like "shine it here!" And we attacked a bag of cheep cigars, a bag of tin cans, spider webs, a wall, and we found some photos--- i mean uh I'm not sure....
But I laughed so hard and just acted up with them. It was cool. Totally fun.
Well, afterwards we came home and Mike & I sat in my room and was talking about how we fell for one another and he was like "It really impressed me that you got down there and played around with us. Most girls would have been like Jodi and complained that it was stupid." And I was like "No way! That was soooo fun!" And it was. I loved it. I was like "We should dress up like superheros and chase ppl around the mall!" And he laughed, hugged me and was like "YES!" I guess I fit it with Hayden & him and that makes him happy. Makes me happy to. I'm glad.
I invited Hayden to my party as well. So now I'll have 4 friends over. haha. Yes.
Thursday. 7.15.04 4:17 pm
You, know I'm just now realizing it, but every one of my birthdays have sucked over the past few years. It's never a birthday BASH as in party, but BASH as in fight.
Last year (17): Went to the beach with family, mom got drunk and told me she hated me, that I'd never get anything from her again, she hit me, locked me out of the hotel room, and threw my *not even good* cake off the deck. *hum* Then Bill got angry with me b/c of it. My other family members that were there said I was ungreatful b/c my mom bought me a cake that I asked her not to get (cause I don't really like cake but esp ice cream cake cause I hate ice cream 2) but I said thanks and didn't eat any. So that was somehow ungreatful. My dad was pissed b/c I spent my money I made at my job on stuff for me...?
"Sweet" 16: My friends Jessica, Hannah, Austyn, and Kim spent the night and that was cool, but the next day Austyn sat inside so Kim sat with her. They didn't do anything with us. My boyfriend spent more time outside with the PA system my dad rented for my borthers band to play than with me. My "best guy friend" Matt came and didn't even speak to me. Hannah, Craig, Kim, and Austyn sat inside watching the blair witch instead of being in the room with me to open gifts... Jesse found it funny to nail me in the tummy *right on my newly pierced bellybutton ring* with water balloons that did not pop. My brother spent more time outside palying his guitar then talking to me when I spoke to him. No one wanted to sing with me or hang out with me at all relly. Everytime we did something like get in the pool or listen to the band or open gifts everyone either just sat there or left the room. *Maybe I'm just lame...
*Almost there 15:* I was supposed to go to a concert with my b/f and he decided to give my ticket to another girl and called me to tell me he was staying home sick, so my brother took me to the concert and I sw him there with *her*. Then at my "party" which was supposed to be a suprise cause I've always wanted one, but my mom told me about it... My parents said I didn't get any gifts b/c I made a "C" in math. ::: sobs ::: then only 2 of the 35 ppl invited showed up and those 2 were only cause they lived next door and they didn't have an excuse...
:::: cries :::: My birthdays always blow. I hope this year will be better but I bet I know what happens.
1) Bill gets jealous of Mike and tries to make me feel bad by being all "I'm going to kill myself"
2) bill gets mad at me and throws a fit bc of Mike
3) Andy and Bill both get mad about Mike & I. Then I feel bad cause they sit and pout and they are suppossed to be my best friends
4) My mom tries to start shit just to piss Bill of and it works and a HUGE fight occurs and the whole daddy going to jail thing happens all over again.
5) Andy "tries" something with me knowing I have a boyfriend whom I'm very greatful for and *like* very much.
6) Everything just falls apart and goes wrong.
I really need Mike here to reassure me. This is getting to be way to much to carry.
act a fool
Wednesday. 7.14.04 11:31 pm
Mikey gets back tomorrow and I can't wait to see him. Jessica and I have had so much fun within the last few days. Its crazy. We've taken FIVE rolls of film. Wow. That's a new record for us. Hehe.
Things have been going well. Not much has been going on. I've been looking up things to get an idea of the tattoo I want. I really badly want a faere. Yes. I found like 4 faere pix i really like so i think I'll print them all four off my computer and show them to my mom and be all like "okay now take the cool stuff from each of these and make one super awsome faere" and then that's what I'll get a tattoo of. =0)
Mikes coming with me to get one. Yeeness. Totally kik ass right? Yes. Yes it is. But anyway! Um. I guess I'll go so Jessica and I can go make some scrapbook thingys. Buhbye all.
Tuesday. 7.13.04 3:19 am
Hum things have been excatly that for the past day and half. inconceivably difficult. Andy & Bill have nagged at me for everything. Mike is back at work so i miss him. Jessica is still here so thats been the only good thing holding still. Everything else is insane. My dad and my family really. My birthday plans.
Things are slightly falling apart. But I'm staying happy. I had a dream last night that upset me, but Mike called me tonight and talked about it to me and that made me fell better. He explained how imporant I am to him, and how he was not going anywhere for a very long time. That really helped. I need to hear things like that. I've been trying to keep my entries short so when Mikey comes back he doesn't have a lot to read.
I wrote him a rather long e-mail though. Telling him how I feel about just everything I guess. But yeah. So I think I'll go Jessica is getting sleepy and starting to sigh a lot when means shes angry that I'm not loving on her. lol. So goodbye.
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