Today has been a great day. Mike called me at 9:30 am and said he was going to get his check cashed then he was on his way to my house. When he got here I was dressed, but didn't have my makeup or hair done! *yuck* Well when he got here I finished getting ready and we hung out and watched some TV then watched the blue collar comedy tour *Very funny movie and if you have not seen it I highly suggest it!* Mike was a bit sleepy. Then I made a pizza and we went to my room and chilled and listened to music and talked.
Jessica called to say she had her ticket and her train would be in at 5:57 am so Mike is staying here with me tonight, and we are going to pick her up at the station. I'm very excited and can't wait to see her.
Yeah right now poor Mike is passed out on my overstuffed, oversized, neon pink bean bag chair. Although it's not a bean bag it is a foof chair. It is not filled with beans, but foof. Of that's what the box it came in said and I have to admit that it is very comfy. For more than any bean bag.
Anyway! I talked to Mike about some things today. i think it all started when I said "I want a pic of us together" and he said "no one takes a pic of Mike and lives to tell about it" so then that led to one "well I need one so when you get sick of me and leave me I can have proof I dated such a beautiful person to all my friends in Atlanta who may never see you." And that led to my past and how everyone I've ever had has been taken away from me. When I was 11 and my best/only friend Levi was killed, when i was 13 and my only friend at school, a very sweet girl, Sara was killed in a car accident, how Trevor was stolen from me after 4 years by some skinny bimbo with long blonde hair, how Bill left me because I wasn't "strong" enough to hold together a relationship much less a marriage, Anita a friend of like 6 years passed away only a few months ago from cancer. My friend Beverly was taken from me when she got into drugs and no one could help her although I spent days and nights without sleep by her side trying to protect her, but she was sent to rehab, and I haven't heard of her since. My friend Lisa, someone who totally connected with me and understood me was forced to move 5 states away with her family when I was 14.
Then there are the kids. My baby cousins. The first. My beautiful BB. I use to rock her to sleep every night. Watch her during the day while her mother worked and my cousin the father sold dope. They split up and now I never get to see her. All I get is a photo once every few months and maybe a letter. Then my second cousin, my poor Trinity. She was beautiful. Sweet. I loved her so much. I raised her. Her mother was my age (17) and didn't want her. My cousin (once again the father) didn't want the baby or the mother. She was in a car accident while the mother had been drinking, she wasn't in a car seat. They hit a tree at 80. The mother is in jail and no one from our family can see the baby again. She's in a wheelchair, can never walk again, isn't able to use the restroom on her own, and chewed her finger to the bone cause she couldn't feel it.
I've never got to keep anything. But there is something about Mike and I told him that. I told him I don't want to get overly attached to him and then lose him. That'd kill me. It would break me inside and I don't know how much more I can take. He's so good to me and for me. He's helping me with my cutting. He's helping with my depression. Everything.
He held me while I cried and told him all of this which I hated. I hate crying in front of ppl. It makes me feel so weak. I am weak, but I do not want ppl knowing that. He told me he wasn't going anywhere for a long time. I asked him why when I came along he didn't have a girlfriend and he said cause he was waiting till something felt right and there was something about me and I made him happy and it felt right. That made me smile. I hope its true.
Deep down inside I'm hoping Mike will ... gr. I'm so scared to write it cause I'm scared he'll read this since he's at my house. Then he may think I'm overly insane and obsessed and leave me anyway. Gr. I'm kinda hoping he'll fall in love with me and not want to ever leave me so I don't have to worry about losing him. Then again I know that could never happen. The only ppl who ever "fall in love" with me are abusive. Mean. Never sweet, understanding, beautiful inside and out, guys like Mike. Someone as wonderful as him could never love someone as useless and pathetic and weak like me. He's so strong, so beautiful, so good for me to have around. He makes me smile, makes me not think of bad things like killing myself or ODing on pills or my past. He keeps me under control and happy and smiling.
*Sighs* I thought writing would help, but I think it made me see how lame I really am. Now I might be slightly depressed. I think I'll go cuddle up with Mike on my chair and let him hold me until I feel better.

I'm so glad that you've found someone here that makes you feel really good. I'm so very happy for you. I found someone like that last year, but he was an army guy and wasn't in my life very long. He moved back to his home state a little after a month. But his short presence changed me for the better. If Mike isn't around for long, please don't get upset again. Just remember you have me. I know I'm boring sometimes, but I'm a listener and if you ever need to vent or cry, I won't judge you.

Catch ya later.
» hilikus on 2004-07-10 07:03:55

My tammiiiii
aww I love you baby. You're so sweet. I actually think Mike will be around for a while. But thanks so much. *kisses*
» ForbiddenRose on 2004-07-10 09:51:13

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.